And my family has been participating internationally in this sport for nearly 200 years! I take Genital Jousting very seriously, as all competitors do, which is why I’m known around the world as The Stinger, for my extremely small, but powerful, penis that my enemies find difficult to take down. It’s extremely intense and strategic - it requires the jouster to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, and penisly. It’s a very passionate sport that involves two penised-people, fully erect, charging at each other at full speed, trying to knock their foe onto the ground. The real life Genital Jousting isn’t some colorful joke. I was quickly dismayed, however, to discover that the game fails to capture the aspects of the real sport of Genital Jousting in any way. That’s why, as a professional Genital Jouster, I was extremely excited to discover that, in 2018, developer Free Lives and publisher Devolver Digital released a video game based on my beloved pastime called Genital Jousting. From Madden to FIFA, I love how video games recreate the feeling of playing a sport in the digital world, translating each and every nuance into something everybody can enjoy. Those who get off on something a little more tactile can bring home a soft, cuddily keepsake in the form of the Official Genital Jousting Squeezable Plush via the Devolver Digital Merch Store for $30. More than just a fashionable sundress, this plush craves stimulation, and comes with a custom ‘spurt’ sound chip, as well as an impressively long Steam-y code, which can be redeemed for one copy of Genital Jousting.As a gamer and an athlete, my favorite genre of video games is sports games. Starting January 18th, those who like to watch can get an eyeful of alluring live content broadcast directly from the Steam page, including competitive battles, story mode demonstrations, and even score a few freebies. In what promises to be the climax of competitive gaming, Devolver Digital and Free Lives are coming together with some of the greatest Genital Jousting players in the world to put on an arousing display not seen in any other competitive game. If you’re still not sure you want to get involved in jousting genitals, even from the privacy of your own home, you can watch some of the most endowed players in a veritable orgy of technically skill during the Genital Jousting Espurts World Championships. This is the Citizen Kane of penis video games.” “ Genital Jousting’s story mode is the greatest narrative ever created for the medium of video games. Equipped with dynamic voiceover narration, the depth and girth of this tale has rocked the world of at least one happy participant. The story places you balls-deep in the life of John, a dick who desperately wants to find love. The Steam release measures in at $6.99, and comes well endowed with a whole load of hot, throbbing content, including a party mode, online and local multiplayer, allowing for up to eight simultaneous partners, and an entirely new story mode featuring an inspirational tale of self-improvement. It has left more than 300,000 very satisfied, or at least “Very Positive,” players since it released all over Early Access late last year. Created by indie developer Free Lives and intended for a mature audience, Genital Jousting became infamous as an arcade game thanks in no small part to its sex toy shaped controllers. Genital Jousting has pulled out of Steam Early Access, delivering a load of new features to eager fans, including a long, hard story mode, a warm, soft plush toy, and an eSports competition, which promises a thrilling public exhibition by some of the game’s most experienced participants.
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